Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I know, I know. I'm lame. I have become a once in a while blogger. I am easily distracted by the next thing coming down the pike. In my head, it sounds a little something like this:
Me: Wow, blogging is great! I feel so creative, and people like to read my stuff! This is the best. I'm going to blog every day for the rest of my life. I could become an online celebrity! I could get a book deal! Wow, this is...ooo, what's that shiny thing over there? (Runs off to something new.)
I'm checking in tonight because I'm dealing with something weird, and I figure since everyone has given up on my blog anyway, no one will judge me. I hope not too much, anyway.
School starts tomorrow. This will be the beginning of my seventeenth year as a teacher. And for the first time ever, I'm not excited. Not just not excited, but sad. And unhappy. And reluctant. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to teach any kids. I'm not looking forward to anything this year. And I don't know why.
Usually at some point during the summer I start to think about how the next year will look...who will be in my choir, how to teach a concept in a new way, how to organize my room. But not this summer. I never got to a place where I felt good about the coming year. I forced myself to go in and start working in my classroom, making plans, picking music. I figured eventually the excitement would kick in. But it hasn't yet. And it's 9:30 the night before. Instead I feel like crying. I've felt this way for three weeks. If I seriously start to think about school starting I tear up. Not that it takes much to make me cry, but this is different. It's more a cry of frustration and anger that I have to go back. This is not good.
I am hoping that seeing the kids tomorrow will make it all better. That their enthusiasm will be contagious and I will miraculously feel this weight lifting from me. I truly am wishing for that. Because otherwise I don't know how I'll make it through the year. I need to feel excited and energized and happy to do the kind of job I need to do and that the kids deserve. But I'm not there yet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.
I'll keep you posted...unless I see something shiny.
p.s. Has the text on this thing always been so small? Geesh, I can barely read it. I'll try to figure out how to make it bigger. And no comments about my 40-year-old eyes!