Monday, February 15, 2010

Where Am I?

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How did I get here? Is it really 2010? Already? What do you mean it's February?

I feel very lost right now. My birthday is a week away. How is that possible? I feel like all I've done for the last 6 months is work. It feels like one giant work week. I just wrote the word "feel" three times in five sentences.

How is it possible that I have made it this far in my life and still don't feel like I'm on solid ground? Except at work, which I pour all of my energy into. Why am I okay putting so much effort into my job but I don't do the same for anything else in my life?

I was at a conference over the weekend and saw my ex-fiance from about a million years ago. We run into each other occasionally at these things. It always gets me thinking about the direction I could have gone in but didn't. Not that I would want to be with him, but the life that I could have had...marriage, kids, a house with a white picket fence and a dog...

I was at an entirely different conference a week ago (see what I mean about too much work?) and I had this amazing session where they discussed moral purpose. We were asked to make some decisions about what we valued, our moral stance, on certain topics. Then we were to make goals related to our moral beliefs. I totally took this to a personal level and realized that I do not live in a way that reflects my morals. For example, I believe that it is important to show respect for and honor peoples' time by being punctual. And yet, I am always late for everything. I always find one more thing I have to do, or think I have five more minutes before I have to leave. This is just one example of how my actions go against my values. I don't want to be this person. I can't say I believe one thing and then do the opposite. All the time. About everything.

I know this post is extremely random. I've got a lot in my head right now, so I'm putting it here. I don't know that it will help. I feel like I've been complaining on this stupid blog for forever. What will it take for me to make changes? I can't wait around for other people to figure out what I need, because apparently that is not going to happen. Sometimes I don't know what I need. But it has to be something other than what I have, which is a great career. It's not cutting it. I need a full life with lots of parts to it, so that when one part falters, I have somewhere else to turn. I don't know how to create that. I just know that right now I only have one place to turn, and that's not healthy.

Anyway. I'm still not sure how I can be this old and not have figured out how to get what I want. Sometimes I question whether it truly is what I want. If it is, why do I do things to keep me from having it? I know part of it is fear of getting hurt. Again. But I also think I am afraid that I will find out that no matter how hard I work, I won't be able to get it. Maybe I'm not...enough, or something. I'm not even sure how to complete this thought. Maybe I'm just super lazy. It's much easier to do nothing and bury myself online and ignore that I have no life. But sometimes it hurts too much to ignore. Like right now.

Oh my God, I'm such a Debbie Downer. I am extremely tired of posting sadness on this stupid blog. Seriously, go check out the archives. I used to be funny and cutesy. Really! I'm a fun person most of the time. No, I am! Or maybe I'm just not anymore. Was that real? Am I real now, or just feeling sorry for myself? It seems like the only time I write any more is when I am having a pity party. I am so sorry, my five readers, for having yet another pity party.

Okay. I am going to use what I learned at the session. I am going to set a goal right now. My goal is to be on time to work every day this week (it's only a three day week, so doable) and not make anyone wait more than five minutes to meet me for social events. I can do this. I know it's small, but I think I need to start with something little and build off of it instead of trying to fix my whole life at once. I can do this. I think I'm going to set a few more small goals, too. I'll let you know how I do at the end of the week. I have to do something. I can do this.

Thanks for listening internetland.