Saturday, December 5, 2009

Odd Man Out

So I'm having an emotional melt down right now, and I'm pretty sure no one wants me to call them at midnight, so it's all you, internetland.

Without going into specifics, sometimes I just feel like leftovers. What do we do with this single girl? Where do we put her? I'm the proverbial spinster aunt that someone has to take in. Do people have conversations about this? "What are we going to do with Christine?" "I don't know." "Well, we took her last time. It's your turn."

I know I'm just being melodramatic, but this is coming on top of my severe lack of social time. I'm tired of inviting people to spend time with me and getting turned down. I'm tired of not being able to have an equal phone conversation. Somehow, I am friends with many, many people who like to talk and not listen. No, I am not talking about the six of you, so chill. I guess I am drawn to extroverts, since I am one, too. But I know how to ask questions, listen to an answer, paraphrase...I'm even pretty good at it. How come I can't find other people who are?

I spend all day surrounded by children, then come home to an empty house. I have no one to talk to. It is killing me!!!! My hairdresser knows more about my life right now than almost anyone else. Because she asks. I had a hair appointment yesterday, and as I was starting to steer the conversation back toward her, she asked me another question about me. Because she was concerned since I cried all over her last time. We still talked about her half the time, but I felt listened to. And I could tell she cares about me. I didn't want to leave. How crazy is that?

I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes. I am loud (always) and obnoxious (on occasion). But it makes me wonder if I need to be different than I am...maybe my personality is keeping me from finding the friendships I lack. But how do you change who you are on the inside? Should I even have to? If I just say less of what I'm thinking would it be better? But, except around my immediate family who HAVE to put up with me (it's the law), I am already filtering something fierce. If I say much less I won't be talking at all. And that's half the problem. I process my thoughts by saying them out loud. If I think of something, it keeps spinning around my head until I can tell someone about it. If I keep it all inside I feel bottled up and more and more alone. Which is why I'm writing this. If I don't get it out I won't get any sleep tonight.

Oh my gosh, I don't know what's happened to my blog. I started this whole thing trying to be cute and funny, but it sure has gotten boring lately. All I do is whine. Welcome to my personal sob story.

Whatever. I know I should be a big girl and just suck it up.

But I'm sad. I'm tired of being sad.

Anyway. Thanks for listening.

p.s. Sorry, but I've disabled comments for this post. I just wanted to be listened to and not talked at for once. Thanks for understanding.

p.p.s. Don't worry, Mom, I'll be fine.